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I appreciate your honesty and know that most, if not all, who read it will totally understand what you're saying. We've all had the same feelings at one time or another even if our partners aren't doctors.

For me - my husband is not saving lives, or eyesight, he's just making more money than me. That's a hard one to resent - you can rationalize it both ways depending on how you're feeling that day.

Anyway - thanks for sharing. i can't even imagine how much you must be going through. Thank god you have your mom...make sure you tell her that.


I think I understand.
Part of what I'm loving about being pregnant is that nobody bats an eyelash when I give up on something and ask someone else to do it. Like carrying the groceries in from the car.
At the same time, I HATE having the assumption "she can't be bothered to do anything for herself" made about me.
Nothing is ever as clear-cut as you think it'll be. But then, there's beauty in that as well.


I think so many messages we get from society scream "women are victims...moms are helpless beings...they're all depressed and isolated!"

I can be very independent, too, and it's so tough sometimes balancing that need to feel like "Hey, I can do things just FINE by myself, I don't need anyone" and the need to be a true partner in parenting and everything else with one's spouse. Then again, I can also be very insecure in my parenting skills. I'm all over the place.

Marriage and parenting are the ultimate lessons in balance. The yin and yang sometimes get all shifted. We have preconceived notions of how things "should" be, blah blah blah.

I've been in the position of making more money than my husband, who was working his ass off starting a business, and that's a really tough one, too.

p.s. I'm glad your mom is there helping you out with the kids...grandparents rock! I know we would have a tough time without our families help.

Alyson Gilles

Hello friend!
So many things to say, such a little tiny box. First of all, yes, we're moving to ABQ. Apparently, you're not. Doh. It didn't occur to me until just a few days ago to look up your email in the VHA directory. Doh! But I suppose all ends well as you settle in Charleston!

And CONGRATS on Gage!!! Holy crap! That's awesome.

And for this post. I feel you. Mike left for his first interview when Carter was a whole 5 days old. BEFORE Carter was born, this seemed like no big deal. When it was time to leave, I admit, I felt betrayed. Shouldn't it have been a very Hollywood moment? Where Mike takes one glance at Carter and cancels all appointments for the next three years? Not so much.

Unfortunately, the men we married for their passion, their drive, their intelligence, and their wonderful sense of humanity, also have a ridiculous sense of obligation.

Anyway, I raise a glass of (insert adult beverage of choice here) to you. You have a partner who loves and supports you, and who changes the world. Much to our chagrin!

Keep on keepin' on!


While my husband's job doesn't rely on life or death, it does take him away a lot so I'm pretty sure I understand. This is why the move to SC was so difficult (and is still difficult).

Here's a link to a post I wrote a little bit ago... here
Does it sound familiar. Your post sounded familiar to me (granted mine only travels within the country and you don't seem prone to violence, hehe)

Anyway, I hope things get better. Hang in there. You're not alone...


I think it's great you're writing about this and being open about your feelings. My husband's boss wanted him to travel when our newborn son will be three weeks old. My response was, "If you go, don't come back." OK. I was joking. But my husband knew I was too nervous about being left with a two-year-old and three-week-old and his trip wasn't anything to do with making the world a better place (only teaching software to a bunch of nerds) so he told his boss no. You'd think that would make me happy--and it did--but another trip (this one out of the country) was put on my husband's schedule when our son will be just shy of three months old. I'm still nervous about handling it all myself but I realize that these trips will keep coming up and I've got to suck it up and just "be the mother" and handle things like the strong, independent woman I am and have always been. Sounds good, doesn't it? Talk to me in early March when I'm freaking the heck out. ;)

Aunt Karen

Oh Nicole I feel for you. At least you have your Mom there for you. She was also there for me the first 3 weeks of Cory's life; and I don't know what I would have done without her; but then after she left, Gene was gone for 8 weeks of that first 12 weeks of Cory's life after your Mom left. I had to handle everything and I did just fine, just like you will when you have to do it all by yourself.

I know our a very independent gal and am sure that you can handle anything life throws at you.

Guaranteed Gene wasn't operating on eyeballs, but was in the Army. And there is no way you can tell them I can't make this trip:), my wife needs me. The old saying used to be "If the Army wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one".

Yes, there were times I was pissed at him, but then thought it could be a whole lot worse. At that time, there wasn't anything I couldn't handle, or call and get someone out to take of it for me. I held up pretty well, considering everything.

Of course, now that I'm older I realize I'm completely nuts(smile). Just kidding. I wouldn't want to ever go through that again, but then I wouldn't have wanted to miss any of it for anything.

Hang in there; and remember this too will pass; and probably as fast as the kiddies are growing up. Your "job" now is taking care of those 2 sweet babies; and one of these days you will look back and think of all the fond memories you have and the bad ones won't seem that awfully bad after all.

Love you all
Aunt Karen

Mrs. Welby

Thanks girl. Not sure what to say because I really should shut TFU. F-ing Guatemala.

Oh, and I tried the trackback to this. What a mystery. Hope it works?


Hi- just recently found your blog. I am also in SC. I am married to a cop and he works long, crazy hours and I get resentful at times. It makes it hard to hate them when they are out helping people, but it doesn't make it any easier. Hang in there.


What a great post. I hope you and your hubby find a balance that works for you.


Mr. D was in a wedding down your way the first two nights I was home with dboy. Totally not the same, but I understand feeling that he really has to be somewhere else.
Just think, summer is around the corner... boat rides, BEER this go round, playing on the sandbar... yay!

Old Horsetail Snake

It goes way back to when you first knew him: That he was going to help some people other than you, some of the time. So I think you're handling it very well.


Mrs. Welby's pal and fellow superwife. He's not a surgeon, he's Dr. Heart. We supposedly took a lifestyle job now that the 6 years of training are finished--- and yet, I recently found myself caring for my vomiting 4.5 year old, vomiting 11 month old, our nearly-potty-trained 3 year old (and, yes, there was an accident), and my vomiting self the other day while he was --you guessed it-- on call.

Congratulations on your second child. And we all appreciate your honesty. We've all been there in some form or another.


Not a docs wife but a soldiers. I know EXACTLY what you mean.


I believe I've posted this same thing. It is a relief to know that I am not alone in my thinking. It is something my mother-in-law has also told me about being married to a doctor and my husband and I talk a lot about. But it is frustrating when the patient comes before family sometimes.

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