the truth, the proof

One of my people, Amy, was in town this weekend for a conference.  We met in graduate school in Michigan, an experience that made us very good friends, whether she likes it or not.  Amy is currently 36 weeks pregnant with her first child, and she is beautiful.  I did not manage to capture an image of her, despite having my camera in my purse, so you will just have to trust me.  She even let me feel her babe move with my hand on her "sizeable" (wink) tummy.  I am claiming rights to the title of second-favorite auntie.  (A close second, mind you, right behind her sister.)

Amy reads here, though she rarely comments.  She was trying to predict what lies, I mean stories, about our time together this weekend might show up here.  This is the bad thing about friends IRL knowing about your blog: they audition for posts. :)

In a conversation about pregnancy and hormones and the like, Amy revealed that she had recently called her husband at work, in tears because she does not have a great singing voice, and how could she possibly be a good mother if she can't sing soothing lullabies to her infant?

Here's the truth:  they don't care what you sing, or whether it's in tune.  They just like the sound of your voice.

Here's the proof:  I have an 'okay' singing voice.  It's not the voice I have so much trouble with, it's the lyrics.  I can remember the words to every single song Tiffany recorded, but I can't manage the common lullaby.   Instead, I  start with the two stanzas I know and then I make. it. up.

Hush little baby don't say a word
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird
If that mockingbird don't sing
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring.

(that's all I know.  From there, improvisation.)

If that diamond ring don't shine,
Mama's gonna buy you a ball of twine.            (best rhyme I've got)
If that ball of twine should roll,
Mama's gonna buy you a fishing hole.            (WTF?)
If that fishing hole goes dry,
Mama's gonna buy you a fake glass eye.    (the hubs will be proud)
If that fake glass eye should look,                (completely illogical)
Mama's gonna buy you a silly book.
If that silly book gets torn,
Mama's gonna buy you           (pause: crap, not porn. can't. say. porn.)
a silver horn.
If that silver horn won't toot,
Mama's gonna buy you a        (gun to shoot? no.  try again)
a tall black boot.
If that tall black boot should kick,
Mama's gonna buy you a walking stick.   (right.  for her to whack me with?)
If that walking stick should break,                   
Mama's gonna buy you a chocolate shake.    (now we're talking.)
If that chocolate shake should spill,            (quite likely 'round here)
Mama's gonna buy you a sleeping pill.       (what?!  it's just an idea!)
If that sleeping pill don't work,
Mama's gonna buy you another quirk.        (just what she needs)

(And so on and so forth.  I try to wrap it up in some logical fashion, but I rarely succeed.)

Let's make it an audience participation!  Here's the cue for the first person, second person start from the comment above, etc.

If that other quirk is crazy,
Mama's gonna buy you a ...

Comments

[beautifulmess]

Dog that's lazy
If that lazy dog kicks the bucket
Mama's gonna buy you a . . .

[Linda]

cottage on Nantucket.
If that cottage burns to the ground,
Mama's gonna buy you a...

[blackbird]

I always sang the song from the Flinstones to my boys.

[Christina]

a merry-go-round.
If that Merry-go-round stops turning,
Mama's gonna buy you a...

[Mary]

I've done the exact same thing with that song. Eventually I got tired and started looping or making up words that weren't English or Spanish or anything.

[Mrs. M]

ok so this isn't exactly on par with the little contest, but I'm pretty smokin' at parodies. I was a nanny for 5 years and although I'm graduated with a real job, I still keep kids on the weekend (the best reminder not to get pregnant just yet!). When Mary O was first learning to suck a bottle, rather than the breast, I was quite flustered one evening. Sheryl Crow's newest hit was "First Cut is the Deepest." It was on my mind so I made up a song for Mary O. It goes a little something like this:
The first bottle's the hardest
Mary O I know
The first suck is the hardest
Cause when it comes to eating you like the breast
But when it's not here you'll have to take what's left
Ooooh, the first suck is the hardest

I still want you to not cry
I want you to drink this bottle dry
so if you'll just try to suck again
Girlfriend just try to suck again cause I know

You're gonna love rubber nipple.....

Yeah, I know. Makes you wonder why that family loved/s me so!

[R*belle]

big stick of butter for churning,
If that churner suddenly breaks
mama's gonna buy you a ....

[Seuss]

couple of steaks.
And if those steaks are too well done,
Mama's gonna buy you a...

[Jamie]

a big leaf rake,
If the leaf rake is bent
Mommas gonna buy you a...

[ballerinamommy]

a camping tent
If that tent leaks when it rains
Mama's gonna buy you....

[Mrs. Flinger]

a bag of games
If that bag of games goes bust
Momma's gonna buy you...

[canadian_sadie]

...some tire chains.
If those tire chains won't grip,
Mama's gonna buy you...

[bookingrl]

a big trip
and if that big trip gets rained out
Mama's gonna buy you...

[Claire]

a bottle of Shout
and if that doesn't clean the stains
Mama's gonna buy you..

[Charla]

a table of trains
and if those trains won't go toot toot
Mama's gonna buy you...

[Jen]

an astronaut suit.
and if that suit won't float in space
Mama's gonna buy you...

[Texasbelle]

we do the ewxact same thing with that tune. Well, I don't but Shan does because he cannot for the life of him remember the right lyrics (if they exist). Keep on sangin'!

[malia]

a dress of lace.
and if that dress of lace gets dirty
Mama's gonna buy you...

[renee]

a little pink shirty
and if that shirty don't fit
Mama's gonna buy you...